How do you get over someone whose been over you for months? How do i distance what i feel from what i see? How do i push back the jealousy that i feel when i see him and another? How can i push what i feel aside for the reality instead of simply what i want? I know that what i want is not going to happen i know its not reality and yet everytime i see him or hear him i believe that he is mine again when i know he's not. I know that he would not be content to be with me. I know because i see it in his actions. He was true to his word when he said he "put me from his mind" he doesn't watch me he doesn't notice me the way he used to. He basically shut down whatever emotion or feeling he had for me beyond work or friends. Yes he will sleep, fuck, screw me but its not sweet its nothing like it used to be. Its raw and harsh and afterwards is an emptyness that i know he doesn't care about. Yet it matters to me, i do not see him outside of work simply to see him and kill time, i still hold the same emotions i did towards him in December... He made it clear what he could handle and it is not me. I did not approach and or handle Him and Us in a way that would make him see me. I feel cheated and i did it to myself. I feel myself being pitiful and looking down on me.

Why me. pity me, that is what i feel because life was not fair and i did not get what i wanted in the end. In the end i put myself out there and was left standing with nothing but a "I am sorry but its your personality that is preventing Us from being together"....I should have seen this coming. I did it to Andrew, a month and i bailed, i did the same thing to Sean, i saw them for who they were and i didn't like it. I didn't think it was worth the risk or the time to stay because it wasn't enough. Hearing that you are not what the other person wanted is never a good feeling but to make myself this unstable and this dramatic is beyond ridiculous. What is even more frustrating is that i will say this now and i will believe my words but the minute i see him infront of me making a joke with jen or kelsey watching as the two of them smile d and laugh i will shut down i will become angry and irritate because it still does matter to me. I am not over him by any means and its making me angry and surly and socially distant from everyone else because i am pouting and brooding about what i cannot change. If i accept it as what it is what will happen? IDK but it sure as hell can't be as bad as what i feel now. The up and down at work is only hurting my chances to become a sever and that is not O.K by any means. It is definitely NOT O.K......

The fact that someone else's opinion is making my change soo much of myself is stupid. Why can i not stand my ground and accept that he and I are not a match that it was fun yes but in the end its not something long lasting. We would not make one another happy. I dont want to have lost and i have and i have to accept that. Its going to happen more then once and its part of life. Its trial and error. Yes the next time around i will be more cautious instead of ignoring what i knew i should have questioned and listened to. t He is a good person he is someone that later in life i would want to be with but for right now he is in a different place then I am in life. He wants to travel and explore different places where i am grounded where i am. I have no urge or need to go elsewhere it scares me to just up and leave everything i know and stelf aart over again. I want to do that now. I want to escape this and make myself a new but i do not have the guts to tenacity or the will to do it. I have stability here,  a ood job i just need to figure out what it is in life that i want to do. What do i want to be and why? Where will i be, will i travel will i never leave SD? What type of person  do i see myself becoming and what kind of person do i want to be with?

All these questions and i have no answers i have excuses as to why i cannot live my life. As to why i shelter myself in my room and just read and do addy because it what supresses my anxiety? As of lately it only emphasizes how little i have and how much i want in life. I do what i think everyone wants me to do. Not because i want to do it. What do i want?

Why do i want this?

I want to be happy, i want to be proud to be me. I want to try and know that i wasn't afraid and did nothing. I just want to try. I want to care i want something to inspire me. I want to be loved, i want to be wanted. I want to be thought of with respect i want people to regard me with worth and purpose. not someone who is flighty and possibly without purpose. I want life to make me happy i want things to be easy and i know that they never will be. If i do not break myself of myself then i will be here forever, i will forever work crappy jobs and never surpass what i want because i am too scared to try or to reach beyond myself and do something amazing. I want to be someone that i want to know. I want to be confident. I want to be happy in whatever it is that i am doing. Right now i am FAR from being happy.

Prior to Ryan i thought i was happy and i was ready to have a relationship and to a certain extent i believe i was but in the long run i did what i did in the past and i let myself go and Who i was became lost in the other person. I did nothing without said person and it made me into this. Made me cling to someone who doesn't want me and someone who i dont really want its more or less the fact that i became dependent on them to make me happy and without that person i cannot be happy ever again. I know this is not true. I know this is wrong but it doesn't change the fact that my head believes this, believes that if i was with Ryan i would be happy and that is true, i would be happy because he is someone that i want BUT he does not feel the same way about me and i cannot force someone else. I tried and ended up feeling used and cheap. Feeling worse then before because i see now that he really does not care for me the way he used too....He was thoughtful and tender, he would hold me, he would touch me in little ways that made me melt inside because it showed that he cared....He does none of this, he doesn't want to touch me, he doesn't want me touching him. distant and cold, as if i am a pest and i am. Because he does not want me there and i know this and i try to find ways to stay even though i know its only going to hurt me more to watch him push me away, watch him not care when i do soo much.

I am hurting myself, i am believing in him when there is nothing left to hold onto. He gave up on me and he has his reasons so let him have his reasons and i will have that fact that i tried that i put myself out there and i got burned. I was left standing and i didnt see it coming. He hurt me. he did. I trusted him not to do this to me, but he did. He's been very compassionate, talking to me still and trying to be there for me even though i know he doesn't have to be....He will still answer when i call and he still talked to me countless times when he didn't have to...I appreciate that from him. but in the end. He hurt me. I gave myself to him and turned it down and i never thought that would happen. I did not think about any end, i just felt and didnt think i was immersed him in while he was watching me and deciding when it was no longer fun for him..... He knew for a while that it would not work but he didn't say anything, when he did it was never in a place where things could be discussed. I fucked up, i shouldn't have been so damned flirty with patrick i shouldn't have slept with him i shouldn't have told him and then maybe he wouldnt have come to the conclusion that he did. I really fucking liked him and i was soo fucking happy throughout Dec....it kills me that he didn't feel what i felt, it kills me that i have to watch, see, hear, talk to him and i can't have him.

What good will it do to tell him that i am not over him? What good will it do to text him? To talk to him? What good will it do to know him when i cannot put aside what i feel for him? THere is no good, there is nothing good that will come from it and i know this i just dont want to believe it. I dont want to let go of him so i do not. So i cling to something that is no longer there. To something that he no longer feels. I cling to my memories of him and see him only in the good never the bad. What is bad about him? What do i not like about it?

He doesn't talk to me the way he does jenn or Kelsey, he never did. communication was important and yet there was soo little of it. He would become angry with me and i didn't understand....he would order me around and i didn't question it i did as i was told because i did not want him to be mad at me. I was not myself i was what he wanted from me and that was not enough as it contradicted who I am....He didn't talk to me, he hurt me, he let me tell him everything and him nothing in return. You know all about me and i know so little of you, i gave you myself and you turned around and said i am sorry its not working. That hurts hurts because i was open to you, i was willing to forget about being self conscious i was willing to try and i did TRY i tried as much as any person could and still i LOST. still i ended up being the one who was hurt. Not you, you got to choose i did not. you made the decision NOT me. YOU CHOOSE  and i am the reaction.....it still hurts to see you and i dont think you understand why. I haven't let go because i am scared to let go, i am scared to know that someone didnt want me....always i am not enough this is what i believe i believe i am not enough for anyone that i am not substance and it kills me to walk around knowing that i am fun for a while but not long term. Whenever i let myself go and trust someone i end up being hurt, i end up being told that he no longer wants me. 

I am tried of trusting someone and being the one who has to pick herself up while He gets to walk away. I am tried of being the one who has no say no control. I am tried of feeling like this. I am tried of believing in someone when all they do is disappoint me. I want someone who wont hurt me, why is it that everyone i have trusted has broken that? Why do i always get hurt? What am i doing wrong? What is wrong with me?

I am tired of hurting i am tired of wanting something i cannot have i am tired of feeling that i wasnt enough. I am TIRED of being UNHAPPY....

you hurt me and i will want you more because i will be scared to loose you. 

Why do you matter so much to me? Because i trusted you? Because i became dependent on you when you did not of me? Why am i soo damn hung up on you?

What the fact that i can't have it? I wish i had never dated you, i wish i had continued to flirt with you at work because i was happy with myself and my life. i was a little lonely but that was ok because at least i was not hung up on someone who doesnt want me. At least i was not dependent on someone else. I could make myself happy or unhappy....that is the problem its not him, its YOU. ITS ME!

WE are not happy with ourselves and we use other people to make us happy. He wont make me happy, he made me feel like i didn't have control over myself because i gave up that control to him. I gave up myself to him when i should have kept that part of me....He didn't loose himself in me. He doesn't hurt because he never lost himself in me. He had his life, where i gave up mine to be with him.....I did this to myself. I need to man the fuck up and get on with it. Who cares who the fuck cares that its not what i wanted its reality. He doesn't want a fucking child and he doesn't want you. Who CARES what HE does. You were not important to him, when will this make sense. I am a commodity. he could have another and he will. I will be more careful next time. I will be more careful when i want someone again....I will not LOOSE Myself in him....Josh should have taught me that i am weak in relationships. Ryan taught me that i need to be more assertive, that i rush things too quickly because i can and it only leads to quick end....Nothing lasts when rushed. If i want something beautiful i need to spend time on it to know its worth the possible heartache......

German sherman

Anastasia walked along the court yards she would be leaving her home soon. Leaving behind the comforts of her childhood for a life of difference for a life of change. For one filled with love she kept telling herself. Yet she knew there was something wrong. Knew her arrival would not be perfect, knew her love would not be their. She felt he would abandon her and she couldnt think why.

Several weeks later Anastasia arrived in Tortall, her wealth of blonde curls were held within a bonnet styled to match her dress and the low cut of her bosom. Grinning she stepped off the docks into the soil of her new home. Sir Logan stood ready to escort her home. She knew logan from Jonathan's caravan. They had become close friends since then. Logan pined after her like most men. But Anastasia had chosen the prince of course. He was wealthy and a prince for the sake of it all. Breeding out won a handful of other suitors.

Anastasia grinned as she embraced Logan- You look sad what's wrong?

Logan smiled- I come with bad tiding Lady Anastasia.

Anastaisa- pulled a way a small frown on her face- Logan how many times much i tell you i'm not titled? [smiling hesitantly] Tell me, what bother's you please. [steppind foward cautiously]

Logan sighed, looknig away- The estrangment between you and Prince Jonathan seemed more then he could bear.

Anastasia stood mouth gaping as her night-mares proved to be more then mere dreams- He's taken another hasnt he? [Logan tell me please!]

Logan stared shocked at her, how could she have known, only the courtier's have held any information upon the recent coupling of Lady Narella and the prince- It is just only  a recent development. I'm sorry Anatasia. He meant to write.

Anastasia smiled up at him as her eyes filled with tear's yet none fell, they were merely caught in the perfection of her hazel gaze. A commoner's eyes.- Of course he did. [looking away she stared out into the sea] How long Logan. Dont lie to me please.

Logan sighed as he stepped up to hold her yet she gave him cold eyes, shaking his head he whispered- A fortnight, to my calculations. Anastasia im so sorry.

Anastasia- Please Logan dont i couldnt bear your pity. Please dont, [walking away she looked out with longing to the sea] When i was little i always wanted to see the water's like this. My father told me stories of the beauty of such thing's i never believed him untill now. I never beleived much of what he said untill now. [looking back at logan]- Tell me, what is there worth in Tortall. I'll not leave untill i see your kingdom's worth. I've heard months worth of her beauty and history. You'll have to show me after all.

Logan laughed they'd shared more nights then he could count discussing the national sight's of their kingdom's as they rivaled one another. Now it was Logan's turn to show her his kingdom just as she had showed them her's- It would be my pleasure.

Anastasia- Thank you.

Logan- By all mean's, you must stay with me. I've estates in the country, their prefect for you.

Anastasia- I'll take my own room and board else-where. But thank you.

Logan- Ana please, its not trouble at all and i wanted to show you the Eradon when you came anyway's.

Anastasia- Eradaon, is a particular name for a estate, what type is it?

Logan laughed as she walked back to him all smiles, yet they never reached her eyes- You are a marvel Anastasia of Dragoon.

Anastasia- As are you sweet Logan knight of Tortall, I wish for a sweet tempered woman for you.

Logan- My thanks for your and everyone elses concern.

Anastasia- I'm sorry i'd forgotten. [caressing his cheek she sighed and looked away] I'll get my things.

Logan- No please let me.

Anastasia- If you must. [stepping back to allow him the two traveling bags at the ramps end.]

Looking back at her Logan realized how out of place she seemed. Her beauty was plain for the eye to see, yet she was not at home. The sea did not compliment her well. She paler then usual. Her skin was like porcelian, untouched in its own perfection.

Anastasia- You stare at me like im going to break. [Watching his eyes far to carefully]

Logan- Not break, just dissapear on me. [walking beside her to the awaiting carriage]

Anastaisa- Thank you Logan.

Logan- For what i havent done anything yet.

Anastasia climbed into the carriage then waited untill he was seated opposite before her- For coming, Im sure he wouldnt have cared to even send one of hie peons to break the news to me. Thank you for caring. I know he didnt ask you to do this.

Logan- Jonathan is a bit pre-occupied at the moment[.

Anastasia nodded looking out the window suddenly preoccupied herself with the blurred scenary.

Several day's later Anastasia lay in bed, knowing her stomach was revolting her morning meal again. She felt ill constently yet refused to tell anyone of her condition. Sighing she pushed herself up to her elbow's. Logan was coming for her soon, he promised to take her outing, the first of many or so they joked over their nightly meal's. Since arriving at Eradon he had been attentive and caring as any man could be to a woman. Treating her like she was his world. Anastasia shook her head slowly hoping the nausea would soon fade or so she could hope. Logan found her curled up on the bed, clutching her stomach.

Logan- Ana? whats wrong [rushing to her bedside]

Anastasia opened her eyes, bolting upright which only brought another attack of her morning sickness. Pregnancy was not agreeing with her not at this stage she thought. Vomiting beside the bed she nearly spewed over Logan as she rushed to her.

Logan called for the maids  as he pulled back her soak sodden curls from her face. She lay with her head hanging off the bed , breathing heavily in her small body- Anastais what's wrong? Tell me please.

Anastasia held up a hand as she lay back against the bed, wiping at her mouth- Its nothing to worry about Logan, many woman suffer from similar effects. It will pass or so i hope it will.

Logan- What?

Anastasia smiled at his confusion while a young girl walked in with a wet towel, handing to towel to Anastasia she thanked the young girl as she wiped her face down before laying back agianst  the bed and closing her eyes- Logan, im with child. [Opening her eyes she watched his expression]

Logan- Are you sure?

Anastasia- I know the signs of pregnancy and i'm pretty sure i am. I've talked to some of the women who work here and they agree. They've also promised this sickness will pass soon.

The young maid nodded encouragingly to her.

Anastasia grinned back at the young girl- Leave it, Marla i'll clean it myself. You shouldnt have to, please.

Marla- Please lady its my duty to clean your rooms. Im suppose to [carfullying watching her master's expression]

Anasastia- If you insist, but really i can clean for myself i've done so for quite a number of year'.s

Marla- Yes miss, you've quite a clean room, you make my day lots easier thank you.

Logan snapped back to life- How long are you? I mean you dont look any different.

Anastasia- I am very early along, but my body know's and so do my dream's. I dreamt of a baby just as i dreamnt of Jonathan's betrayal.

Logan- Nodded as he sank down onto the bed beside Anastasia while Marla cleaned the mess on the floor.